ESFJs are warm-hearted individuals who highly value their close personal
relationships. They are very service-oriented, and their own happiness is
closely tied into the happiness and comfort of those around them. They are
valued for their genuine warm and caring natures, and their special ability
to bring out the best in others. They usually do not handle conflict well,
and may tend to be very controlling or manipulative. Relationships are
central to their lives, and they put forth a great amount of energy into
developing and maintaining their close interpersonal relationships. They
expect the same from others.
"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as
the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to
joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know
was possible before." -- Rollo May
ESFJs are warmly caring people who give their intimate relationships a lot
of special care and attention. They're usually traditional and take their
commitments very seriously. Once the ESFJ has said "I do", you can bet that
they will put forth every effort to fulfill their obligations to the
relationship.
ESFJs want to be appreciated for who they are, and what they give to others.
This need of theirs is sometimes intensified to the point where they are
very emotionally needy, and constantly "go fishing" for affirmation if it is
not freely given. ESFJs typically cannot stand conflict or criticism.
They take any sort of criticism as a general indictment of their character.
This is a potential pitfall for ESFJs to be aware of.
In the face of negative feedback, or the absence of positive affirmation,
ESFJ may become very depressed and down on themselves.
Appreciation is the greatest gift that their mates can give them.
ESFJs have a tendency to be very conscious of social status and "what other
people think". They should take care not to let this interfere with their
close relationships.
Sexually, ESFJs are warm and loving, and welcome intimacy as an opportunity
to express their affections, and receive their partners gifts of love.
Many ESFJs have a tendency to be highly scheduled and traditional in their
sexual habits, but this is almost always overcome by increasing their education
and awareness of options. ESFJs are very service-oriented and will place a lot
of importance on making their partners happy.
Being highly practical, the ESFJ is excellent in matters regarding
home management. They're likely to be very responsible about taking care of
day-to-day needs, and to be careful and cautious about money matters. They
are interested in security and peaceful living, and are willing and able to
do their part towards acheiving these goals for themselves, their mates, and
their families.
Most ESFJs have a strong need to "belong" - whether it be to institutions
or traditions, or family units. This need usually causes them to be quite
social creatures, who enjoy attending parties, as well as throwing their own.
They're likely to strongly desire that their mates share in their social
experiences.
Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy
relationship, ESFJ's natural partner is the
ISFP, or the
INFP.
ESFJ's dominant function of Extraverted Feeling is best matched with someone
whose dominant function is Introverted Feeling.
The ESFJ/ISFP
combination is ideal because is shares the common Sensing way of
perceiving the world, but the ESFJ/INFP combination is also very good.
How did we arrive at
this?
"You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth...
As parents, ESFJs are extremely committed to their roles and duties, and
contain and freely express a great deal of love and affection for their
children. They expect their children to honor, respect and obey their
parents, and do not tolerate well any deviance from this rule of
behavior. Their Feeling preference makes it difficult for them to punish
or discipline their children. If they have not worked on overcoming this issue,
they may tend to punish their children in less obvious ways, such as using
guilt manipulation. This is a potential pitfall for the ESFJ to overcome.
It is generally more effective and more healthy to directly issue punishment
when called for.
The ESFJ is very service-oriented and concerned with the comfort and happiness
of those around them. Consequently, their children are likely to have their
practical needs taken care of very efficiently and responsibly. Their
ESFJ parents will create structured environments for the children, where their
boundaries will be well-defined and known.
The ESFJ's tendency to be controlling, combined with their emphasis on
tradition and security, makes it likely that they will be at least
somewhat strict and controlling of their children. However, they will also
be their children's strongest, loudest advocate. Children of ESFJ parents
are likely to rebel from their authority at some point, which will cause
a stressful time for both parent and child. In this case, the ESFJ natural
tendency is to make their children feel guilty about their behavior.
Depending on the extent of the guilt manipulation, this
may cause serious damage to the relationship.
Most ESFJs are remembered fondly by their children for their genuine love and affection,
and for the well-defined structure and guidelines they created for their children.
Although the ESFJ usually puts their family in front of their friends,
they do place a lot of importance on their close friendships, and feel
tremendous loyalty towards their friends. Since they feel tremendous
pressure in their lives to constantly "do their duty", they may sometimes
turn their friendships into another task or responsibility. Usually,
however, they get a lot of enjoyment from their friendships, and give
back a lot of affirming warmth.
There are a couple of ESFJ tendencies which may cause problems with their
casual and intimate friendships: 1) they don't give things freely - they
expect something in return, and 2) they have a difficult time believing anything
bad about someone close to them.
ESFJs are valued by others for their genuine interest in people, and for
their warmth and kind-heartedness. They have a special skill at seeing the
best in others, and making people feel good about themselves. As such, they
usually have a relatively large number of very close friends, usually of all
different personality types.
ESFJs are likely to have well-furnished, orderly and attractive homes. They
are usually excellents hosts and hostesses, and enjoy throwing parties and
having a good time. They like to feel as if they belong to traditions and
institutions, and are likely to have a relatively large group of people
which they include in their social circles.
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ESFJ Strengths
ESFJ Weaknesses
ESFJs as Lovers
ESFJs as Parents
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable." -- Kahlil Gibran
ESFJs as Friends